Everytime I run into friends at parties I'm always told how happy and cute I am. Everyone thinks I'm so positive and content with my life. At times yes but not in general. I feel bummed too, I feel sad almost everytime I'm alone and I feel lost. It feels like I'm always there for my friends - I pick up the phone at night if they're calling. I always have my phone on sound while sleeping in case someone should feel sad and wanting to talk to me. When I call they don't respond or they text me - wtf? I just want them to call me back if they don't pick up and ask me if I'm alright?

I am the kind of person who do not show my emotions to everyone. I am very closed at times and I thnik that's why everyone seems to think I'm so fucking happy. Well guess what, I'm not!! 

Tonight was family-dinner night.. my sister-in-law is so mean to me all the time and I hate it. I have difficulty standing up for myself bc I don't want my brother to think I don't like her. THey are married and he would be so sad if I got furious at her and told her. I don't know.. I don't like family-dinners and I don't really want to be at them

Needed to get this out.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my friend Anja and studying with her for 5 hrs. Now I need to finish off a chapter about the blood and then I'm off to bed. Haven't heard from Greg today bc there's a festival where he lives. I miss him dearly and could use his voice right now.. 

I went to the MC fight night contest in rap yesterday with my friend Anne and had a blast. Slept at her home to not be able to contact my boy for at least a day or two..
Woke up this morning listening to music with her and drank coffee - Then went home and cleaned all of my dirty dishes, cleaned the kitten-litter-boxes and took the garbage down :D yay so now it's a lot nicer smelling in here and I can focus on studying for my 2 next exams.

School tomorrow from 8 till 3 and then going up north. My parents are in Nice, France the next 2 weeks so I can stay in their house when I want to - my brother lives nearby so I'm gonna see him and my little niece a lot. I've missed him and he's missed me - it'll be nice to get some time together.

Okay, I will study now :)

 Why do I keep waking up too late?? argh, it's really starting to upset me bc I miss out on school too much:( I'm still low in D-vitamin but come on, can it really be all about that? I just got over my stomach-flu, yehaa so I feel great now and are able to have my daily coffee-shot .

GOing out with my friend Anne today for coffee in 2 hrs and then meeting up with my friend Nastassia to get some drinks at the thursday-bay at some school. Should get home around midnight tho bc I have school tomorrow morning at 9..

:)

created by hilikus_fine

JOIN

 more pics from today( today )

And I'm so happy. Shit is tho that I want to lose weight over again bc of having a boyfriend.. shitty

 Picture of me from today 

sfw





I want them to shrink more !!

SO... I dunno

I just felt like updating.

2 days ago I spend the day with my friend (close) and she wanted us to eat together. I was so scared. I tried to get out of it but she insisted so I agreed to have sushi. We then bought some and then we went grocery-shopping bc I can't do that on my own.
I wore jeans and a black top and when I turned back to her after grabbing a cucumber I saw her looking at my body. 

She then said this : "You've gotten so thin lately - it's not good". 
I was like "uhm, no I dunno why? Where do you notice it?"
Her: "in your thighs and your waist and that area, you're so small!"

I quickly turned away and said something else.. I had to hide my smile.. I loved the comment. She's usually not the one to say stuff like that so it meant a lot to me:)

Beside that I have 3 guys going. A mess

Ate too much today. Had a salad - but a big one:(

Jacob had sex in Spain with some stranger from Venezuela

I am devastated - I know I have stuff going on with guys too but no where near sex!!
He told me today, he was so sad, said it didn't mean anything, that he wants me and all - I love him so bad

I cried so much
Right now I scratched my arms so so bad. I went and took a kitchenknife - pressed it against my arm so hard. About to cut so deep like never before - to just end this fucking life. Get rest, get calm

Then he called, I didn't know whether to pick up or just cut cut cut. 
I picked up. He calmed me down. I don't want him to know about the knife. I want him to think I'm doing better - yet he knows I'm doing bad..

I've lost weight and he knows. He knows I feel sad. He knows I'm starting weight-control again and I hate that he knows yet I don't want to hide it from him - bc he'll find out eventually.

I love him
I miss him

Seeing him thursday  - I want to:) We both messed up but we want to get back together . just not right now but with time - that's why we're still seeing eachother...

I love him

So I'm back from the Festival and what a trip!! Mud ALL OVER!!! My tent couldn't make the watery weather so I moved to another camp... 

I were front stage at Orange stage at the opening with Volbeat (dansih band) and I felt so bad I had to sit down in the middle of the crowd - so embarrasing. I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink for over 24 hrs. My friends saw me ans said that my face were all white and my lips and hands all blue.. 

I almost fainted - a security guard helped me away from the stage, gave me some water and told me to eat something right away. I had to sit for 20 min before I could move away. My dad picked me up and was so sad/mad bc I looked so small and scary. He told me he's sure I weigh less than 50 kilos (110) - I don't think so tho..

I went back to the festival the day after full of food (mum + dad).. I had fun and I met up again with Daniel and I spent the night with him (no sex) and it was so so nice tho he makes me so confused..
I left today and talked with Jacob, I'm seeing him tomorrow. We still miss eachother so much.

My ex is in love with me (claus) - so sad... I don't want him and he tries so bad..

I look smaller tho - I do.. like in my thighs especially. I'm seeing the therapist tomorrowain monday. He's starting weekly weigh-ins again from August bc I look smaller and bc my periods is still missing (7-8 months now) ans bc I'm losing some nails on my toes - ew... 
I'm SO scared of getting weighed. I won't be told what I weigh but I know I need to cheat. I can't gain weight!!!
They want me to weigh 57-58 kg!! I think I'm 51.. Dad thinks I'm 48.. yikes

I saw Red Hot Chilipeppers yesterday - baaad bad bad!! it was so bad the concert! 
I missed my chemical romance bc of my "black out" and MUSE too - I hate myself for it! Also I missed seeing Justice - the 3 top names I wanted to hear:(

I have summerbreak until September now. Plan for week:

Monday: Therapist + cleaning + Jacob
Thuesday: Group-therapy + something with a friend
Wednesday: DInner with brother + his new puppy;)
Thursday: Cleaning
Friday: Clubbing?

I'm sick .. My lungs hurt so bad!

Been together with Jaoc for 7 hrs today and we had so much fun together:)

Also I've tried to eat some more bc I get blackouts very often now - like in the middle of a conversation I just go blank and dunno where I am and what I was about to say... And I'm afraid of getting osteoporosis (sp) due to my lack of periods.

Still I see how I lose and I love it - I'm adicted to losing weight it calms me. My pants are falling of me now - my tummy's flatter. 

I get cramps and diahrroa whenever I eat:( it sickens me - makes me starve yet again tomorrow.
On sunday I'm going to the festival for 10 days - and I know I'll lose weight. I just know. I'll be up 24/7 and food's not around and I'll be dancing every day.

I have to leave the festival for 1 day tho to see my therapist and start weigh-ins again:( yikes.... I'm NOT at my target-weight..

well, the black-outs are worrying me! much!

OH MY GOD!!!

I had a BLAST seeing Daniel - he's the nicest person I've ever met! We went to get coffee and then we sat in the park under a tree while it rained for 3.5 hrs and just talked:) 

When we left he kissed me shortly - so we still haven't made out but I'm sure it'll come soon. I can't wait to see him again - also did I mention how hot he is?? DAMN

haha I'm almost flying

Just sitting in my bed waiting. Waiting for Daniel to text me an tell me when and where to meet. I hate waiting. I like schedules and plans - this is not something I like. I'm not impulsive. It's past 12 and I hoped we'd get time before his bbq tonight. WE'll meet for coffee - hopefully it'll happen and it'll be nice. I'm panicking bc I'm afraid he's forgot about me and our date. I'm a wreck let me tell you that!

I'm studying still. Can't remember a damn thing. My brain's all fucked up. I have the wirst memory - dad says I need to eat fat.. not... Just gonna study all weekend. I feel fat still tho my tummy's smaller. 

On monday I get summerholiday and in a week I'm going to the Roskilde Festival:) Gonna see MUSE, My chemical romance, Björk, Nephew and what not. Can't wait.
Last time I was there I lost 7 lbs in 8 days - I hope it'll happen again even tho some of it was water. I need to lose down there! 
My friend and I talked about it and she was like "If you're intending to lose while we're there forget about it, I'll force you to eat every day!" - fuck her. I mean I love her but leave me the fuck alone.

I'm meeting up with 2-3 guys too down there. Damn. I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm so nervous right now! Will Daniel contact me? Has he forgot me? When to meet?  Where? FUCK??

Ann.So

So I've had 400-500 cals today but it feels like so much more!!

BF: a bun with light cheese + 1 slice of chicken
Lunch: A fruit (plum-like)
snack: 5 spoons of cereal
Dinner: 2 sorbet-icecreams (58 cals each)

Will take 3 lax again tonight. 

I have a date saturday remember... I'm thinking of wearing jeans, heels and just a casual top.

Also I saw Jacob this monday - he says he loves me and misses me. I can't figure out what to do...

Damn

So the laxies last night just worked - sorry..

I had a test today and I think I passed it - I couldn't concentrate and I hate the class anyway. Monday is a 5 hrs exam in biochemistry.. YUCK

My therapeut called me last night and tried to calm me down for 10 min. He told me to do stuff and not look at myself, not look in the mirror or measurize myself. But WHY?? to NOT see the truth??!

Blah

I'm going nuts

Smoking now tho I know I shouldn't - I have to study until monday. I have a date saturday but I'm afraid bc he's so perfect and so so hot

I feel and look fat
I can't think otherwise

sorry

I fucking hate this!!!

I feel like I live inside a bubble - one that I can't get out of. Like nothing matters anymore - I don't care about life and what's around me anymore. I feel depressed yet it doesn't really matter at all..

I told my dad - he's on anti-depressive pills again - he has the same thoughts. He has a depression again (3rd time now). Makes me sad - I want him to be happy and healthy

Me on the other hand is beyond fat and just a big fat tube of lard. I have nothing nothing nothing on/in me that's pretty - I hate myself. I despite the way I look. I make food and then throw it away bc I'm not hungry.

My period's been missing for 7 months now. Yet I'm too fat for that to happen. My arms are huuge - my tummy's greasy and big and bloated. I can't stand the way I look. I called my psycholygist - he hasn't called back yet. 

I feel like cutting
I'm deff taking laxies

I have a test tomorrow :( I'll do bad I just know

I don't care. I want out I want out I want out

someone help me  - I can't handle this on my own. I feel like I'm falling and I can't hold myself up anylonger. I'm on my own again. I can't do this

I can't
I can't
I'm so sad

I want to hurt myself bad this time
I want to make myself suffer - to feel the pain in my skin. To get the pains out of my head

I have to study but I can't

I just... can't

Help!

My jeans are loose

I feel fat

just the same the same the same

I went clubbing last night and I made out with my ooold ex:(:(:(:( BBBBAAAADDDD

I told Jacob while crying - I still love Jacob

I lvoe him

he loves me
I miss him
he misses me

I'm fucked