In a place right now where all is black or white. No other tones are visible - I can feel my inner screaming at me the way it used to do more than a year ago.
I thought I'd recovered.. I guess I was wrong. Too naive too dumb. Where do I turn now?
Part of me wants to fight part of me wants to surrender. The fighting part seems so tough right now. I simply can't focuse on it. I'm drained for energy and I have tons to do. I have finals coming up but my mind's too exhausted to pick up the book and actually open it. I guess the surgery and the following morphine didn't make it much easier for me to move along. A crack came - another chance for the disease to consume my brain. And so it did.
This time I'm all alone with no one to help. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone how I feel - and frankly I can't even tell myself how I feel. I can't find the wordsto describe, but I feel lost, drained somehow by the dark shadows taking over my mind.
I am the kind of person who do not show my emotions to everyone. I am very closed at times and I thnik that's why everyone seems to think I'm so fucking happy. Well guess what, I'm not!!
Tonight was family-dinner night.. my sister-in-law is so mean to me all the time and I hate it. I have difficulty standing up for myself bc I don't want my brother to think I don't like her. THey are married and he would be so sad if I got furious at her and told her. I don't know.. I don't like family-dinners and I don't really want to be at them
Needed to get this out.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with my friend Anja and studying with her for 5 hrs. Now I need to finish off a chapter about the blood and then I'm off to bed. Haven't heard from Greg today bc there's a festival where he lives. I miss him dearly and could use his voice right now..
Woke up this morning listening to music with her and drank coffee - Then went home and cleaned all of my dirty dishes, cleaned the kitten-litter-boxes and took the garbage down :D yay so now it's a lot nicer smelling in here and I can focus on studying for my 2 next exams.
School tomorrow from 8 till 3 and then going up north. My parents are in Nice, France the next 2 weeks so I can stay in their house when I want to - my brother lives nearby so I'm gonna see him and my little niece a lot. I've missed him and he's missed me - it'll be nice to get some time together.
Okay, I will study now :)
GOing out with my friend Anne today for coffee in 2 hrs and then meeting up with my friend Nastassia to get some drinks at the thursday-bay at some school. Should get home around midnight tho bc I have school tomorrow morning at 9..
I feel like I'm dying
I feel so abandonned by my own mother. She doesn't give a damn about me - she's always feeling worse than me
I hate her so bad sometimes.
I wanna cut so fucking deep
I hate my life
I hate it all
Somebody help me, coz my mind's taking over. I can't deal I can't fucking deal
I'm crying now in bed. I need to walk, I need to lose. It's all that matters - that empty feeling in my body. I crave it.
I'm a mess
I just wanna get this al over with
Get out - get out
Was with an old friend of mine today. who used to have anxiety, depression, anorexia, borderline and cutting.. She's doing so good now and out of hospital. I'm so proud of her! She's like my new therapist now guiding me through life:)
I had dinner with her - I NEVER eat in public or infront of anyone but we cooked today! Haven't cooked in years. I went alright - lettuce with bulgur, tuna and veggies.
I got so bloated tho! Bc I never eat dinner. We walked for 2.5 hrs tho so I'm okay not stressing too much about it. WHO am I kidding - I'm so stressed about it, I've been fiddling (word?) with my legs, smoking again, jumping..
I looked pregnant. My tummy was so big and hard as a rock. I pooped tho for the first time in 3 days. It's smaller now, the tummy.. Hope I look thin tomorrow when I wake up.
Jacob just texted me. He contacts me everyday:)
I have insomnia again bad! I go to bed at like 4-8 am... and no napping... sleeps 3 hrs a day:(